Still a very good boi….
You Might Also Like
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My Sentiments Exactly
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.