“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.