If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil