My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.