Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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groan^2
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?