Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?