*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp