“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
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I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
cause of death:
autopsy.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Duck typos.
mathematically impossible
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter