Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.