Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder