I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
You Might Also Like
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion