Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Only short people can save us
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
it is time once again
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
scrabbled eggs
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.