Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
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[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
bugs when you lift up a rock
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.