Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
This line from Airplane.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.