I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”