Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I鈥檓 easily lead.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I鈥檓 at my most potato when I鈥檓 twice-baked
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Pro tip: don鈥檛 bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent鈥檚 house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That鈥檚 a whisk I鈥檓 willing to take 馃檪
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
These pit stains indicate I鈥檝e put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Hell hath no fury like me when I鈥檓 ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You鈥檒l still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*