Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
the greatest twitter interaction
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
So inspired right now.