Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
car not found
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.