Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
So the ex texted me
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies