If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
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Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I wish I could veto my bills.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty