Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
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Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.