My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.