I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no