Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
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mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?