One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ