pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
When you’re here for the treats.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”