Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.