Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Nice try, poison.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”