The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Its true…
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
What’s a Messi?