Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
goldfish mafia
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.