There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
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earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.