You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
car not found
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣