ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.