Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t