My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.