date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
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I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.