*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups