I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Who wants to be my Valentine?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I ate everything, including the H.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.