No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Battery falling down a hole
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.