Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
notice
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.