Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
That’s no pocket rocket.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism