Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The old gods are rising again.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.