You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Duck typos.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?