“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.