Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.