Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second