“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
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Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
i- i did not expect this