Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
i hope this email finds you fast and furious