on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
You Might Also Like
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
me logging onto twitter
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks