I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.